This is only my first pass at it – your comments are more than welcome if you have a suggestion for any specific lines (irrespective of whether you do or do not speak Russian!).

Swirling and twirling
Autumn leaves flutter
In a cyclone unseen
They disperse then they clutter.

Stripping and baring
Their verdant attire
Trees in the winter
Look like pronged spires.

I found this while I was rifling through my old poems in a jam session with Max Lytus. I actually wrote this as part of my autobiography for an elective on autobiographies sometime midway through highschool, submitting this as the last of fifteen journal entries. This poem had a different ending and absolutely no explanation that came with it, so I’ve resigned to making the end flow better and leaving it at that. Contrary to most of my other poems so far listed, this one is not even remotely symbolic of anything that actually happened in my life, unless you choose to read into it deeper than I wrote into it.

I’ve no one left on earth to blame
For what’s become of me, myself, my will
And never had before. I have been weak
To my desires, but weaker still
When trying to invoke them to the world
As wonders, marvels, love! A coward!
I’ll be heard, too late, too little.
Oh what I’d give to be empowered,
Enough to speak my heart, to quell my mind,
To share a kiss, to hit or miss, but swing!
To put that which I own behind me, and stand!
And be a joyous pauper, who wants not rule
Alone, the king of his heart’s land!
I’m affluent in choices, chances, love,
Unchosen, all untaken, and realized none.
I’ve waited long enough, regretting much,
Of what I have, and more of what I haven’t done.

The time to act is now, and has been such
For ever that I can remember. To arms!
Take nothing, no armor, no defense, no weapons!
Leave yourself open to all harm
That comes your way. But chin up, march!
The future is beyond the hill, the battlefield,
The mountain you must scale and river swim!
Lay down your figurative shield
And stand tall! Be willing to lose all
That you have worked to keep and hoard,
Than lose yourself to stale inaction!
Don’t fear to be emotionally gored,
By possible rejection to attraction!
Far better to have tried and failed,
Than never tried at all. And if I fall,
I will get up again to storm the stronghold,
A valiant warrior, bellowing love’s call!

I met this girl during my sophomore year. I was still emotionally stinted from my failures regarding the previous girl and thus only more awkward and shy. She, her friend, and my then housemate, soon friend, and now brother, were downstairs in our house discussing their MSE classes (which I also happened to be in but had failed to recognize this coincidence). Brad, upon recognizing that there were girls in the house went down to scout, and jokingly “claimed” Lauren. I went down “for some water” and immediately fell for Stephanie. She was wearing a hoodie, had her hair up, was emotionally distressed from her then-current relationship, but I still found her stunning.

We were soon the friends that I had been with the previous girl, but after some time I became depressed that we were friends and nothing more. My emotional state yielded the above battle cry, which I withheld but bared my feelings anyway. I was softly rejected. During my junior year I had been without a girlfriend or even a kiss for two years, and then kissed a different friend. The kiss gave me an intense confidence boost and I couldn’t help but share its story with this girl – only to find that this was the deal breaker for her apparently growing feelings for me. We kissed anyway, but she cried that night and asked me to leave, providing ultimate closure for our relationship. We are still friends, but not nearly as close as we had been before my blunder.

I find myself repeating the mistakes
That others made and made forget,
But I ignore their learn’ned wisdom,
And for myself these failures I beget.
I cripple my existence with desire,
A sin in which I do not oft partake,
And yet I find my mind on fire
As passion leaves its giant burning wake.
I shear and tense against my bonds,
Attack the boundaries that do hold me in.
I struggle and I writhe, and I hold still;
But never give up hope that I may win
This – an outnumbered battle up a hill.
And how I wonder what a time would be
With you alone, no ties to keep you taught,
And me to come and whisper you myself
And fin’ly win this battle I’ve not fought.

But once is not enough. Tis but a dream
That fleets for good for me to never see.
You surely know the feelings in my heart
That for a moment’s kiss my kingdom goes to thee!
If only would you give that chance
Where when I carry you aweigh across my chest
Clear of your sea of troubles, in crisp air
You sigh relief and smile so I may rest
And know that love extends both ways.
For does it? I bring you remedy for any ail
Or when I pay your troubles into naught
Do you respond with equal action or with stale
Generic answers? I am distraught -
I know that all I do is of my own accord
But I am powerless to stop, to let you go
For if I give you up can I forgive myself?
Can I give up the feelings that I’ll never know?

I met this girl within my first week at CMU. Orientation week was a sporadic mess of senseless drinking, raucous partying, seldom ice-breaking, and partaking in the MCS sleepover at the science center. All of the physics, chem, bio, and math nerds grabbed sleeping bags and went to have a night of cool presentations, bad food, midnight beach volleyball, and intense peer interaction.

This girl and I were both in the same major and thus did all the same activities, befriended an OC (who subsequently introduced me to the group with whom I am still friends), and tossed the ball with Professor Mackey. By the end of the night even the OC had clocked out, but this girl and I stayed up and talked, walked, laughed, and bonded. I fell in love.

Soon afterwards a guy in the group asked her out, and I was left distraught and vulnerable. This girl had met another girl, who was dating some guy, and I ended up helping that other girl with calculus homework. One thing led to another and we were making out, and were soon more than that. She then broke up with the other guy as that relationship wasn’t at all healthy, but I then broke up with her – I was still in love with this girl, and had also just suffered through my grandfather’s funeral. Soon afterwards this girl broke up with they guy who asked her out and I was finally ready to take my chance.

This girl, a guy, and I were up on the couch of Schlag roof a night later that week, and this girl was saying how she didn’t really want to date anyone due to her terrible experience with the guy she’d dated. I would have asked her out anyway were we alone, so I decided to wait until the next day. I walked home that night with the guy because my dorm was in the same direction as his house, and much to my dismay he told me that he was going to ask her out the next day as well.

I gave him my blessing and locked up my beta-male feelings on the inside. Within a week I was depressed and emotionally volatile. About a month into their relationship I figured that they were planning to have sex and wrote my feelings down, then walked to her house and told her how I felt. The release helped bring me out of my funk, but also dulled my feelings for her. We were still friends for a while (although I proceeded to hate the guy until they broke up over a year later), but have lost that MCS sleepover bond through which we were willing to tell each other about anything.

My heart is frail and weak
For ne’er before hast this man fallen prey
To such a mischievous attack,
Such harmless play.
Great desperation must weigh heavy
On my soul, my breast, my mind
For me to such conspicuous deception
Fall victim. I am blind,
Or else I would have taken every hint,
Considered every line and word;
I would have criticized those things,
But even though I may have heard,
I should have listened. How I spring,
Pretend to have forgotten what you said.
I rhyme and eloquently cry,
I know not better. Perhaps take solace:
I feel your knives and needles every lie.

I can’t forget, try as I might,
The way that you devoured my esteem.
I had disposed myself of judgement
And let your words wind down my dream.
I can’t refute my undeniable affection
Which made me ready to forgo
The corpses you laid out for me to find.
You wondered whether I would know
That it was you, or maybe if I’d fall
And break my back against your laughter.
I will congratulate your play,
But cannot comprehend what you were after.
Was I the entertainment on a boring day?
Was my humiliation what you sought,
When you castrated my desire
With two rocks? I’m left pathetic,
My former self a broken, fallen spire.

This girl was friends with another girl, and that other girl was dating my friend. My friend had hated me by proxy during my freshman year due to his interaction with Ilya. Both were lacrosse players, but Ilya was a schoolbus bully, and I got the worst of it freshman year of high school. By the end of senior year I had sloughed off several skins and personalities that were for one reason or another unfortunate, and am a better man for it. Aside aside, I found this girl beautiful, pretty, cute, and intelligent. She was also unattached and did not seem crazy. These six attributes are impossible to find on the same person, and this probably helped fell me into love. But during my junior year I was far more awkward and shy than I am now, and had only spoken to her a few times. One night, when she was having a get together which I could neither attend nor was invited to, I received an IM from her. We chatted for a half hour, to the point that I may have even asked her out. “She” was actually my friend, bored while the others were elsewhere or napping, and he was leading me on as a joke after I failed to recognize him as the one on the other side of the screen.

I never did date this girl and never even kissed her, although I’m sure she knew how much I liked her. After high school ended I spent the entire summer hanging out with her, which was much more friendship than we had shared in high school. I still harbor hopeful feelings for her, but they are weighted down by the doubt I have of ever realizing them.

I forgave my friend immediately after sharing this poem with him, but we have since drifted to loose acquaintances rather than best friends.

What is there twixt yourself and me?
Love? Hope? Three hundred miles?
There’s the horizon and naught else to see:
We frown since we cannot see our smiles.

I’ve spent two months short of a year,
Waiting to sweep you off of your feet.
Four with your voice within my ear,
Whispering words, loving and sweet.

We met and danced at the last ball
Then weeks we laughed and cried and talked
As summer slowly waned to fall
You lay at home whilst streets I walked.

You lay, my head in hand, in bed
Whilst I held yours in autumn night
We’d speak until our phones went dead
Or till the sun gave morning light.

But. The word that turns the situation faux
Appears so frequently within my mind
But this, but that, but, I don’t know;
And soon, ’tis all that I can find.

Three months have gone since we spoke last
Of summer plans and separate lives
Our love has fled us much too fast
And now it shrivels, soon to die.

For months you’d been my one addiction
But our paths may never cross again
Yet I will not dismiss my hopes as fiction
Aurevoir, my love, my dear, my friend.

I met this girl at CTY Carlisle in 2002 and can attest that she was my first infatuation. At the time, and for several months afterward I truly loved her, and knew nothing about her. She had dated Lefty of the Criminals, but by the end of the three week session they broke up. I only talked to her on move-out day, but we also danced the previous night. I then went to an art retreat at Big Bass Lake, PA, and called her every night. That one week of art camp was incredibly eventful, but I have no retained emotions other than from talking to her. My intent was to come to CTY the following year and date her, but my hopes only made my parents’ decision to abandon my involvement in the program the more painful.

I did see her again after that – after she had been with my roommate Steve, and leader of the Criminals, Simon, and quite a few other guys. I had gone to visit this other girl in DC, and unluckily missed her. This girl put me up and I hung out with her, was invited to a threesome by some unrelated girl but declined, and finally cemented that what I had felt for Holly had been infatuation. I was almost hurt to have lost whatever feelings I had had for her. I would still enjoy her company though, so I think that one day I might visit her just to reminisce about CTY.