Reflections

Severed Rhymes Redux

I find myself repeating the mistakes
That others made and made forget,
But I ignore their learn’ned wisdom,
And for myself these failures I beget.
I cripple my existence with desire,
A sin in which I do not oft partake,
And yet I find my mind on fire
As passion leaves its giant burning wake.
I shear and tense against my bonds,
Attack the boundaries that do hold me in.
I struggle and I writhe, and I hold still;
But never give up hope that I may win
This – an outnumbered battle up a hill.
And how I wonder what a time would be
With you alone, no ties to keep you taught,
And me to come and whisper you myself
And fin’ly win this battle I’ve not fought.

But once is not enough. Tis but a dream
That fleets for good for me to never see.
You surely know the feelings in my heart
That for a moment’s kiss my kingdom goes to thee!
If only would you give that chance
Where when I carry you aweigh across my chest
Clear of your sea of troubles, in crisp air
You sigh relief and smile so I may rest
And know that love extends both ways.
For does it? I bring you remedy for any ail
Or when I pay your troubles into naught
Do you respond with equal action or with stale
Generic answers? I am distraught -
I know that all I do is of my own accord
But I am powerless to stop, to let you go
For if I give you up can I forgive myself?
Can I give up the feelings that I’ll never know?

I met this girl within my first week at CMU. Orientation week was a sporadic mess of senseless drinking, raucous partying, seldom ice-breaking, and partaking in the MCS sleepover at the science center. All of the physics, chem, bio, and math nerds grabbed sleeping bags and went to have a night of cool presentations, bad food, midnight beach volleyball, and intense peer interaction.

This girl and I were both in the same major and thus did all the same activities, befriended an OC (who subsequently introduced me to the group with whom I am still friends), and tossed the ball with Professor Mackey. By the end of the night even the OC had clocked out, but this girl and I stayed up and talked, walked, laughed, and bonded. I fell in love.

Soon afterwards a guy in the group asked her out, and I was left distraught and vulnerable. This girl had met another girl, who was dating some guy, and I ended up helping that other girl with calculus homework. One thing led to another and we were making out, and were soon more than that. She then broke up with the other guy as that relationship wasn’t at all healthy, but I then broke up with her – I was still in love with this girl, and had also just suffered through my grandfather’s funeral. Soon afterwards this girl broke up with they guy who asked her out and I was finally ready to take my chance.

This girl, a guy, and I were up on the couch of Schlag roof a night later that week, and this girl was saying how she didn’t really want to date anyone due to her terrible experience with the guy she’d dated. I would have asked her out anyway were we alone, so I decided to wait until the next day. I walked home that night with the guy because my dorm was in the same direction as his house, and much to my dismay he told me that he was going to ask her out the next day as well.

I gave him my blessing and locked up my beta-male feelings on the inside. Within a week I was depressed and emotionally volatile. About a month into their relationship I figured that they were planning to have sex and wrote my feelings down, then walked to her house and told her how I felt. The release helped bring me out of my funk, but also dulled my feelings for her. We were still friends for a while (although I proceeded to hate the guy until they broke up over a year later), but have lost that MCS sleepover bond through which we were willing to tell each other about anything.