Reflections

Severed Rhymes

My heart is frail and weak
For ne’er before hast this man fallen prey
To such a mischievous attack,
Such harmless play.
Great desperation must weigh heavy
On my soul, my breast, my mind
For me to such conspicuous deception
Fall victim. I am blind,
Or else I would have taken every hint,
Considered every line and word;
I would have criticized those things,
But even though I may have heard,
I should have listened. How I spring,
Pretend to have forgotten what you said.
I rhyme and eloquently cry,
I know not better. Perhaps take solace:
I feel your knives and needles every lie.

I can’t forget, try as I might,
The way that you devoured my esteem.
I had disposed myself of judgement
And let your words wind down my dream.
I can’t refute my undeniable affection
Which made me ready to forgo
The corpses you laid out for me to find.
You wondered whether I would know
That it was you, or maybe if I’d fall
And break my back against your laughter.
I will congratulate your play,
But cannot comprehend what you were after.
Was I the entertainment on a boring day?
Was my humiliation what you sought,
When you castrated my desire
With two rocks? I’m left pathetic,
My former self a broken, fallen spire.

This girl was friends with another girl, and that other girl was dating my friend. My friend had hated me by proxy during my freshman year due to his interaction with Ilya. Both were lacrosse players, but Ilya was a schoolbus bully, and I got the worst of it freshman year of high school. By the end of senior year I had sloughed off several skins and personalities that were for one reason or another unfortunate, and am a better man for it. Aside aside, I found this girl beautiful, pretty, cute, and intelligent. She was also unattached and did not seem crazy. These six attributes are impossible to find on the same person, and this probably helped fell me into love. But during my junior year I was far more awkward and shy than I am now, and had only spoken to her a few times. One night, when she was having a get together which I could neither attend nor was invited to, I received an IM from her. We chatted for a half hour, to the point that I may have even asked her out. “She” was actually my friend, bored while the others were elsewhere or napping, and he was leading me on as a joke after I failed to recognize him as the one on the other side of the screen.

I never did date this girl and never even kissed her, although I’m sure she knew how much I liked her. After high school ended I spent the entire summer hanging out with her, which was much more friendship than we had shared in high school. I still harbor hopeful feelings for her, but they are weighted down by the doubt I have of ever realizing them.

I forgave my friend immediately after sharing this poem with him, but we have since drifted to loose acquaintances rather than best friends.